He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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