my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
