i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
