Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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