you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
