I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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