dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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