I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
