Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
