She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
