Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I got inside last night via doggy door
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
