I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Randomize
