I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
