Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
This is my gift to your gina
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
