when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
