i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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