dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
