I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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