anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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