We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
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