i already hear my dad disowning me
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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