Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
