haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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