Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
