so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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