He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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