So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize