I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
What a dumb baby whore.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
