WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
