I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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