I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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