i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
