Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
