I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
