You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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