Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
