I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
