I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
