Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
