Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
