I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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