one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
