omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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