There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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