some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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