if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
