Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
