call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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