Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
