and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
