youre lurking in front of me
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
