I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
