I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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