Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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