Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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