somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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