oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
