I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
