Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
