I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize