She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
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