We're like a lot better than the average bears
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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